According to a study by Davidai (from the New School for Social Research) and Gilovich (from Cornell University) published in 2018, titled, “The Ideal Road Not Taken,” people most often regret the person they COULD have been much more than they regret not becoming the person they SHOULD have been. In other words, this study stated that they regretted decisions they did not take that would have led to their “Ideal self” more than they regretted not making some decisions that would have led to the person the “ought” to have become, or the person they felt they had the responsibility to be. Additionally, they regretted the decisions they did not take that they wish they had MUCH more than they regretted the decisions they did make that ended badly.
Essentially, there are three outcomes you could attain at the end of your life, one will be what you actually DO attain, or your actual self. One will be the best possible version of you that you could possibly have become, this is your ideal self. Finally, one is what you “ought” to have become, this is based on the many things, including the expectations that others or society place on you. You can picture these three possibilities in a Venn Diagram, one that shows all the overlapping possibilities. What you actually do attain will cover some of what your Ideal self could have been and some of what you believe you “SHOULD” have accomplished. At the end of your life, in both the COULD and the SHOULD circles, you might find that only a small percentage of the possible outcomes will have been attained. This study is saying that the incomplete list of “COULD HAVE BEEN” or “IDEAL” out comes will be the one that haunts you the most at the end of your life.
This study included a quote from the Wonder Years, which was a TV series in the 1990s.
“When you are a little kid, you are a little bit of everything—artist, scientist, athlete, scholar. Sometimes, it seems life is like a process of giving those things up, one by one. I guess we all have one thing we regret giving up. One thing we really miss. And we gave it up because we were too lazy. We couldn’t stick it out. Or, because we were afraid.”
If you look through the previous episodes in this podcast feed, you will find an episode titled, “Other People’s Opinion of YOUR Dream.” In that episode we covered one major reason people don’t follow through with a passion they discover early in their life. Did someone tell you very early in your life to stop dreaming? Did they tell you to get your head out of the clouds? Did they tell you that you are never going to achieve the dream you felt deep in your soul? Sometimes only you know who you are and what you are capable of achieving. Have you ever felt a moment of clarity, or heard some inner voice calling out to you, telling you to go in a particular direction in life? Your passion or dream might change as you go through life, and It could be related to love, family, creativity, or it could be something bigger, something that is guiding you toward the reason you are here on this planet, toward your purpose in life. What if you hear this voice and then you suppress it, you try to forget about it, you push it to the back burner? Even though there is a huge part of you who believes you could achieve this dream IF you tried, what if you never actually TRY? What if you Netflix and chill and stare at that smartphone for the next year? What if you do it again the year after that and never move one inch closer to the ideal you? Even if you do everything else you “OUGHT” to do, you WILL regret the decisions you made to take the easier, well-traveled road.
What do you want out of your life? I’m not talking about what you want and also think other people expect from you. I am talking about what YOU want, what you REALLY want. When you dream of who you would be if there were no limits or no roadblocks, if you could be anything you wanted in the entire world, what would you do? Are you on the path to that dream now? Are you taking the steps to make THAT dream come true? Or, are you planning on something that is safer, something that is a compromise in your eyes. Something that is easy to accomplish, something that you already have the skills and ability to do today. If you believe your passion is in the job you are dreaming about and you feel like you are missing out on your life’s purpose, you MUST ask yourself: What is keeping you from moving toward this dream? Is it fear?
What are some common fears?
- Fear of failure
- Fear of making mistakes
- Fear of how long the path is to get to your goal
- Fear people will not understand
- Fear we’ll do all the work to get there and we will find we didn’t really want it
- Fear we really aren’t good enough to get there
- Fear that we aren’t worth it
- Fear that dreams only come true for other people
The fear never goes away completely, but you are brave and you can use your courage to push through in spite of the fear. I want you to remember how to dream, then dream big enough that the thought of achieving this dream is exhilarating. The kind of feeling that is both scary and amazing, at the same time. Don’t worry – you do not have to figure out how to reach the dream today. You also do not have to have all the confidence necessary to be the person who you picture you should be to be in that position today.
My best tip for pushing through the fear is to focus on the very next step. That’s it. You do not have to be brave enough to go from your first guitar lesson one day to standing on a stage in a stadium performing a complex, high energy solo for 20,000 screaming fans the next day. All you have to do is focus on the next thing you have to do on the path from where you are to where you want to be. If you have a dream – what is stopping you from doing the VERY next step or at least SOME step that moves your true passion? It seems a very small price to arrive at the end of your life with “no regrets.”
Here are some steps you can take to become more courageous:
- Focus on the very next small step
- Remember your fear will never go away, and yet – you need to do the next step anyway
- Be Persistence – stay on your path!
- Ignore those who do not believe you can do this – yes, seriously – IGNORE THEM!
- Embrace the feeling of the fear and how exhilarating it feels to stretch yourself!
Here are somethings you can focus on to increase your bravery:
- Focus on previous times when you have succeeded, how did that feel? Remember the path you took to that success.
- Use the feeling of the success to motivate you?
- Did you have challenges? What did you do to overcome them? How did that feel?
- Do you have a memory of a time when you were felt brave? A time when you really stretched out of your comfort zone? How did that feel?
What happens if you do reach a brick wall and it seems too hard to get over? We recommend focusing on these thoughts – write them down in your goal journal as you think through the issue:
- How will I get past this?
- What is the very next step along my path?
- Do any opportunities exist in my world that I am overlooking?
- Is there anyone I know who has already accomplished this goal or at least this next step? Would they talk to me about what they learned?
So, you can see – those lofty goals are not really anything to be afraid of, as long as you focus on one piece at a time and just keep going in the same direction! I know you are afraid sometimes, and so am I! This only means you are human and that you have an active primal survival instinct. Fear is normal but, remember you do not have to be brave enough to take on the entire world on your own. You only have to stop, focus, break the task in to smaller pieces and then muster the courage to take that very next step – then take the next one after that.
You were put on this world for a reason, you are special. You know it, you feel it, you hear it calling to you in the quiet parts of your day. Do not suppress this calling. The best life, a well-lived life is one that is aligned with your purpose and the reason you were put on this earth. There is an ideal version of you, you see it, you feel it. Life is meant to be experienced. Put yourself out there. Do things you’ve never done and live a life where, at the end, you will have no regrets.
Reference:
Davidai, S., & Gilovich, T. (2018). The Ideal Road Not Taken: The Self-Discrepancies Involved in People’s Most Enduring Regrets. Emotion, 18(3), 439-452.
SHOW NOTES:
There is one BIG regret that people have at the end of their life, according to a 2018 study. We will let you know the details and what you can do to achieve a life with NO REGRETS!
Create the life of your dreams:
If you are ready to build a life with NO REGRETS, listen to the DESIGN YOUR DREAM DECADE PODCAST You will find the complimentary companion workbook here: DESIGN YOUR DREAM DECADE
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