What if You Fail?
You have so many objections running through your mind right now. You know what you want to do – you feel it in your soul, but you are stuck in place because your mind is twirling and all you can think is, “What if I fail?”
What if everything goes wrong, what if people judge you, what if your friends don’t like you doing this, what your partner doesn’t understand, what if your kids just stare like they don’t get you, what if your parents are upset because they think you should be more sensible? What if you fail, what if you spend too much money, what if you hit a roadblock? What if you don’t make progress? What if you quit just before it was all going to succeed? What if you waste all your time trying and then fail? What if you try and no one notices? What if they think you are an impostor? Thinking like this is what I like to call, “What-If-ing” yourself to death.
Today, I want you to try, “What-If-Ing” yourself to life!
It is true that both good things and bad things can happen and will happen. Is either one more likely than the other? Is it more likely that bad things will happen than good things? Too often, that’s what you believe and when you have such deep-seated beliefs – that you basically think it is far more likely for bad outcomes rather than good outcomes, then you will create that reality in your own life. Your belief about the prevalence of negative outcomes will essentially be a fact in your mind – even though you have absolutely zero quantifiable data to back up this thought. As a result, you will look around you and see the negative things at a much higher rate, all while you literally ignore all the amazing things you create or impact every single day.
Find the Evidence to Believe in You
Here is an example I think you can relate to: Think about when you first got your new car, the one you drive every day. Think about the model, the color, the options that might make it look a bit different than other people’s cars. Consider that there are probably at least 250 Million people (or more) who could drive in this country, and there are a plethora of car manufactures, variations of colors, options, models, and styles. Still, how often do you notice someone driving a car that looks fairly similar or even exactly like your car? This exact example is called the Baader-Meinhof Cognitive Bias – which can lead to confirmation bias. Essentially when a new event occurs or you learn new information, then you start to see that new thing everywhere. This then leads to confirmation bias, because once you see it everywhere you start to believe that you really are seeing it more, which only proves your thought.
Ways Your Mind Will Try to Trick You
There are multiple other types of cognitive biases that impact the way you think and cause you to come to conclusions that may not be accurate. This is actually great news. This is the opportunity and the fact you have been waiting for to begin to change your mindset in a way that will serve your future self. The fact is: Your brain will trick you. It will trick you in the most surprising ways. I’ll talk about a lot of the ways your own brain deceives you and keeps you playing small in the next few weeks. Subscribe so you don’t miss that episode – we’ll have some fun with it. In the meantime – for today, I just want to focus on all the things you are worrying about, about the ways you think, “What If” it all goes down the drain” and how you can begin to turn around your thinking.
When I was young, I had a thought that “I was shy”. I also heard my mom’s friends say I would crumble if I was ever out of my comfort zone and that I should stay in my quiet, safe small Colorado farm town forever. By the way – I was probably under the age of 7 years old when I heard these things most frequently. I was also heard things like “all men will cheat on you,” men are never faithful, men will leave you, and you better be sure you can always take care of yourself, because you will end up alone.” This was all in the 1970s, and it was actually 100% all delivered with my best interests at heart. It was a different time when women were not guaranteed to work out of their home. A housewife and a stay at home mom still accounted for high percentages of the adult women I knew at that time. So, I think the adults in my world did not want me to think I had to get married and depend on someone else.
Examples from my own life:
Looking back on my life, these strong voices did impact my life both for good and for bad in some ways. Trust me when I say, though – I love my current life and am thankful for all the experience that made me who I am now. Still, let me explain how some of this worked out:
1. I was too shy
t took me until I was about 24 and, in the Navy, before I really started to break out of my shell and realize that I had a personality that other people loved and wanted to be around. I almost backed out of joining the Navy – because some of my family members thought I would not make it. If I had not joined the Navy – I would probably live in my hometown to this day. I used my own confirmation bias to find ways to prove I was shy, that I was introverted, and took very few risks in those days. The fact that I even got on an airplane to go to boot camp is highly surprising because that was 100% unknown – and kind of scary (at the time).
2. All men will cheat on you / you better be independent:
1) I took this advice to heart – I think it is partly what motivated me to get on that plane. My one semester of college to that point, told me I was not ready. I think what I really was is “not ready to stay in my hometown.” I learned about the education and benefits available to active duty Sailors and realized this might be my chance to get out of my town and see if I really could find a way to spread my wings. That was my first move to be “independent”. 2) Sadly, though – I also did take the other part of this comment to a deep place in my soul. “All men will cheat on you.” As a result, I never trusted any man until I was over the age of 40. Can you imagine that? Never. Even really good men that graced my world. As a result, I had a few very bad relationships, when I essentially chose toxic love over any other kind. Looking back, I can see that I was making my thoughts reality. I was making my belief that I had to be independent because all men will cheat 100% true. Every time I got my heart smashed, I just threw myself into my work and education even more.
There is this country song by Martina McBride from the 1990s called “Go to Work.” That song became my theme song throughout my 20’s. Let me read a few lyrics for you:
“Now I remember what it is I do
For a while I thought my life was just loving you
But now it’s back to work
Oh thank God for my work
So from nine to five I take a break from an empty
Bed and a heart that aches, I’m good at my work
Oh I’m good at my workWhen the whistle blows, I’ll be there
Life goes on even when it’s not fair
And who’s got time to hurt, right now
I got to go to workOh I got to stay busy that’s the only way
Throw myself into my business and collect my pay
Watch me keep it together while I fall apart
‘Cause a world won’t stop for a broken heart
Oh no, no
Was my heart being broken because I chose bad relationships or because when I was in the relationship I assumed they were cheating? It was actually both, depending on the relationship. Either way, I was the one who took the action to be in the relationship and I am the one who took the action to not trust anyone. Could I have chosen better people? Were they available? Yes – looking back, they were. But I made decisions to choose the ones who would break my heart. I made the choice to believe the good ones were just as bad as the toxic ones. As a result, I never had a good relationship until I did the work to deal with my own cognitive biases, to clean up my own thoughts, and to decide I would rather be in no relationship unless it was a healthy, loving, mutually desirable relationship. When I made that decision, I was 38 years old. I then spent another 5 year just being me, growing learning, loving myself, and taking risks.
After 5 years of never even holding a man’s hand – my current husband walked through my office door. He is an amazing, accomplished, loving, strongman. He is a good man. And – I was ready for him. I had done the mindset work to be ready for this relationship. I had almost 4 decades of mindset to undo, so I am not perfect – but he is patient and I want to be here – so we figure it out and every year it gets better and better. I only wish I could go back and tell my 17-year-old self to be patient. The kind of love we all deserve will come. I wish I could tell her to go learn, enjoy life, and to not be afraid to love. I wish I could tell her she was worthy of being loved by a good man. I wish I could tell her there are good men, men who can be trusted. I wish she believed that 100%.
Now that I am in this love and feel strong and confident about a love-relationship, I realize there are also many, many other people who DO have amazing relationships. There are tons of examples throughout our society that back up this belief. What if I had decided to use this evidence instead of the negative evidence?
Find Evidence that You are Worthy
This is how powerful our minds can be and how much our mindset can alter our path for better or for worse. Today, I want you to begin doing the work to believe you are worthy now, to believe you deserve your biggest dreams, to believe that you are lovable, to believe you can. Whatever it is – you can and you will.
What if you believed that your biggest dream WILL come true. What if you started to walk and talk like it already had? What if you took every action as IF that was your reality today? What would be different? What would change for you?
Activity
I am going to do this exercise again today, since all the goals I wrote down 2-3 years ago have become a reality, I need to do the work to dream bigger. I am going to update my 2020 (into 2021) goals and add 2 bigger goals I now have. Considering where I started – that super shy farm-town girl, these goals are going to be pretty surprising. As we go through 2021, I will share them with you. Today, I am working on the mindset to make them real in my life. I want you to think of at least one really big goal, a surprising goal for your life. Something you really want and are willing to work toward. Something that is possible, because at least one other person in the world has done it. Something you truly believe you were born to do.
Ok, when you have this goal firmly in your head, get a blank piece of paper and write the goal at the top of the piece of paper. Draw a horizontal line under it, then below that line divide your paper into 2 columns by drawing one vertical line down the sheet of paper. In the left column write What if… then write every single thing that could go wrong and get in the way of you achieving this goal under the left column. Once you are through with that, move to the right column. On the right side, write “What if…” at the top of that column. Then under it write out everything that could go RIGHT. “What if you become a millionaire, what if you meet the love of your life, what if you start a business and it works.” You get the idea. I want you to write every single thing you can think of on both sides. Then, review the negative side and if you are having any trouble thinking of positive comments, at the very minimum – make sure every negative comment has a positive/opposite comment on the right side.
Once you are finished getting all your thoughts out, then fold your paper in half and stare at the positive side, really take it in. Focus on it. Imagine who will be when all of this becomes your reality. Burn it into your brain. Save this paper. Anytime you have a negative thought about this goal, go and write it on to the negative side of the paper. (Use as many sheets as required.) Then, always and immediately, write the opposite positive thought on the other side.
Incorporate Meditation on this in Your Morning Routine
If you really want to get this into your brain, incorporate mindfulness/meditation time into your morning routine and spend at least 5 minutes imaging you have already achieved this goal. Imagine the positive side is your reality. Close your eyes, and visualize this is who you are today. Feel it, see through her eyes, taste your coffee with her lips. With a kind and generous spirit – interact with those you imagine you will see. Speak with her voice. What is she wearing, where is she standing? How does she feel today? What else do you notice about her? Feel her blood coursing through your veins. This is real. You can feel her breeze on your face. Stay there as long as you can. Be her.
While this vision is fresh in your mind – plan for your day as she would if she were holding your planner. Plan what you will do, when you’ll do it (to include how you will nourish your body and mind to prepare for this new reality).
Once you begin your day, whether you are working or if you are having a home/personal day, do the things you believe she would do in the way you believe she would do them. Another good exercise would be to write down all the attributes you know she has. Is she organized, a good planner, an athlete, a healthy chef, does she schedule deep work, does she collaborate, is she friendly and kind, does she love deeply, does she care for her family.
Never forget who SHE is. SHE is you. SHE wants you to believe you can then to get to work making it happen.
Ok, so no more what-if-ing yourself to death. Your mind is so powerful and that power can be used for good or bad. You DO have the power to change your thinking. If you have been programmed to think negatively for so long, it will take a dedicated effort to change the thoughts running around in your mind – the good news is that it IS possible. You will be amazed at what you can achieve when you believe and then take the steps to succeed!
I share tips and tricks in my weekly newsletter to help you stay focused on these efforts. Think of it as a subtle accountability partner. Just a weekly reminder to be the best you that you can be. The link to subscribe is in the show notes. See you next week!